01/06/2011

Sorry I missed yesterday, when I went to write, the site was down.

I am having one of those days. I am trying to talk myself into eating. I know I have to. I know I should. I just cant get past the sick feeling every time I put food in my mouth. I have been anorexic since I was about 14. I struggle every day to eat. I look at myself in the mirror & all I see is this aged, fat person I am not even sure I want to recognize. I have been doing good for the past couple years. I have gained too much weight though. (I am not just saying that my BMI is at over weight.) I am 5ft 5in & weight (I cant believe I am saying this.) 184.7lb. I should be less then 13lb. (Sigh) That number has plagued me since the beginning. I use to freak if I even came close to that number, I would stop eating till I was 87lb. I kept hearing my mother's voice in my head, "you know when I was your age I never weighed over 100lb." I kept hearing that & the push to be a gymnast, (those leotards leave nothing to the imagination.)  I so wanted my mother to love me, to approve of me. I tried so hard. I would have done anything just so she would love me. It did not help when a fiend I had known for years told me I was getting a little pudgy. (I weighed 92lb.) I freaked & went down to 87lb. Thats when my family  found out that I had not eaten hardly anything in weeks (I was 17 at this time). I have this trick I used. I would eat maybe a bite or two (if I didn't not just push the food around) then I would give the plate to my brother, now its Clay. They would eat & then it would look like I was eating. I try every hard not to do this, but its hard. I feel sick at the thought of the food, but its also my obsession. I think about food all the time.  I think about what I might eat today, how I am going to make it, what its going to taste like, how its going to feel in my mouth (ok that sound weird but its true, I can't eat cooked fruit unless its in a pie because of the texture,) I think about what its going to do to my body, how long its going to take to burn off those cals, then after I have figured all that out I have to talk myself into actually eating. I have to get past this sick feeling, the disgust I have for myself & the food, then there is the act of chewing & swallowing. I feel like Its the worst thing I could possibly do just eating. It does not matter what it is, could be an apple & I think & feel all of this.

My tenement is cooking as much as my food from scratch & forcing myself to actually eating three meals a day. By cooking my food, I know whats in it, how it was handled & it calms, not quiets, but calms my inner voices & some of my obsession about it. The rest is getting the first bite down. After that it goes easier, that next bite is automatic, just don't think about it. That becomes my mantra while eating. I repeat this through out the meal till I can't anymore. I usually get about 1/3 through the portion I have. Another tool I have is Mynetdiary.com its really great tool that keeps me in line & helps with my issues.Calories are most important for weight loss, but to eat healthfully you need to keep an eye on other nutrients such as sodium, cholesterol, saturated fats, calcium, and so on. Unlike various point systems, MyNetDiary keeps an accurate track of 36 nutrients without lumping everything together and calling it a "point." Point systems used to be easier than actually calculating calories and nutrients, as it simplifies the math. This is no longer true. With MyNetDiary, you can easily keep a tab on all nutrients, without any extra effort at all.

I am trying to balance getting healthy & not over doing it. I know I have lose 54lb. I know I have to do it slowly, (my sister freaks if I lose a lot of weight fast & I don't blame her.) Clay worries also. He watches me closely & always tries to get me to eat more. I just have to get over the mental issues I have with it.  I will get through this, its just hard sometimes. One step at a time right?